Of Quacks & Urinary Disorders

Doctors loath to admit they made a mistake, cover for each other and won’t listen to a patient when he describes his sydrome. I have suffered for 30 years from a post-operation complication which the experts, professors and surgeons tell me is impossible and therefore simply does not exist.

Oh, Dear Lord!

Our Father who art in Heaven.

What a pain in the ass! Ever since I woke up from that hernia operation 30 years ago, I haven’t been able to push on my bladder to piss. Oh, the suffering upon waking up with a terrible need to pee, not being able to and not understanding why.

Hallowed be thy name.

So, the secret to peeing is total relaxation to let gravity empty the bladder as much as possible which means I feel like I have to pee a lot. And for the first few years, whatever they did, had triggered a nerve to the bladder which made me feel like I had to pee even when I didn’t!

Thy Kingdom come.

Oh, yes, I saw experts, and professors, and surgeons of all kinds who practiced different medieval experiments on me and who never listened to a word I said; most telling me what I was describing was impossible and therefore did not exist, or that it was the prostate, or that I should just push in on my stomach to force the urine out of my bladder, which does not work either.

Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

The only thing that works is total relaxation. To help, a little trick I learned in Aïkido is to have three points of contact so: both hands on the wall and feet straddled, slow breathing and, believe it or not, reciting The Lord’s Prayer helps the relaxation a lot.

Give us this day our daily bread.

Ah, but not in all circumstances: Try to totally relax your urinary tract and open the Urethra on a moving bus, train or plane; not to mention a UN helicopter or Mozambican Army bush plane. Then, when you are a white guy visiting an African village, trying to find a place to pee with 50 Black kids who never saw a ‘Mzungu’ before in their lives, following you around the bush, is impossible. But I digress.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

On a bad day, I might have to recite The Lord’s Prayer three times before the Urethra opens and the urine flows out which gives me enough time to curse those doctors and professors and experts who won’t listen to the patient.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil:

I have heard of other cases like mine, of both men and women. Not many but enough for the quacks to ask themselves whether there is something to this post-angular-hernia-operation-urinary-syndrome. Yes, I’m quite happy with the term I have invented. Doctors always seem to say syndrome when they don’t know what it is but don’t want to admit they don’t know.

For thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory, for ever. Amen

Ah, at last!.